Cassie won’t like this, but this details one of my more popular pasttimes of recent years. It’s called Breakfast Bounty, and the contest was this: when all of us, me, Dave, Tommy C, Jerky Joe, and Ed the Ram, were all single, a board would be set up in Ed and Joe’s apartment. The task was to go to a woman’s house, do the past nastification (or not, whatever) and afterwards when she was asleep or whatever, take the components of a fry for breakfast the following morning in Joe and Ed’s apartment. Now, if you bought them on the way up (easy enought to spot that to be fair) you were disqualified. It was held every Friday for a period of six weeks, and you scored as follows:
Sausage: One point per sausage
Bacon: One point per rasher
Tomato: One point each
Egg: Three points for an intact egg
Black or White Pudding: Two points per half roll
One bonus point each for hash browns.

And so Breakfast Bounty was played. Now I was running third to Tommy C and Ed going into the third week – as it was dependent on scoring it could be an unpredictable contest – when I met this lassie, Rachel from Sandymount, I remember because her old man used to teach me at primary school, who, when I was going into Abrekebabra, said she would cook me something in her house if I wanted food.
Paydirt, says I to myself.
So off we get a taxi to Sandymount, and when I reach what can only be described as a palatial estate, I collapse into a beanbag in her den, and switch on a giant plasma TV and start watching Johnathon Woss’ Film Weview. Twenty minutes later she sticks in her head and says it’s done. While she busies herselfmaking coffee to down the burgers with, I take a quick root in her fridge.
Fuck me, there was the beter part of seven pigs in there. A veritable treasure trove of sausages, bacon, pudding … enough to put me in the lead for the three remaining weeks without ever needing to go out.
So eventually I get the grub into me, and I head up to her room and we get down and dirty (Customer Satisfaction Review: ”I’ve never felt so loved”) and after I’m certain she’s asleep, I sneak down to the fridge and start filling a plastic bag I grabbed from somewhere in the utility room, and just as I’m about to make off with my booty, the light turns on. A fat bastard in a suit is just staring slack-jawed at me. He starts pointing.
‘You brigand! Filthy fucking thief! Don’t you dare move.!’
I think about dropping the food and pulling a legger, but I’m actually in total shock from being caught. The fat bastard screams up the stairs.
‘We’re being robbed! Family emergency!’
Like a shot, mother, father, Rachel, and sister are down the stairs. The father, I noticed to my horror, was wielding some kind of rifle, whoch he had trained at my head.  
‘Don’t you dare move you little fucker … wait a second! I know you! Steiner! Why are you robbing my house? Your parents will ostracise you when they hear about this!’ Rachel pulled the gun out of her father’s hands.
‘Daddy, Brian’s a friend of mine. He’s staying the night.’ He continued to glare at me. The fat bastard, I guessed, was her brother Robert. A notorious loudmouthed fucker who punched Tommy C outside Club 92 once.
‘That doesn’t explain why this little toerag is stealing our food!’
‘Ah sir, I can explain. I work with the Simon Community, and I remembered I had to go to a soup kitchen this evening. I forgot to buy food earlier, and I was being picked up shortly, so I was hoping i could leave a note explaining why I took it.’ Rachel’s father looked a bit iffy … hopefully she’d pull through …
‘It’s true Daddy, he told me that he works with the homeless earlier this evening …’
Ah Safecracker Number 24 … not only good for opening with women, but in this case for getting out of a tight spot …
You leave here now, Steiner, and if I catch you here again, I will shoot you with that rifle. Clearly you’ve been filling my daughter’s head with your lies, but I don’t believe you for a second. Now get out of here, and since your thieving fingers were all over that food, take it with you.’
I didn’t have to be told twice. Legged it out of there.

Following morning I took the lead in Breakfast Bounty by 12 points, and we ate like kings. But I wasn’t near finished with trying to con women out of pork based products … stay tuned for my biggest score in the four times we played Breakfast Bount … the time I scored a lassie whose father ran a Donnybrook Fair …

With the thoughts from a militant mind, robbed fry, robbed fry, after robbed fry …